A very personal story…

It wasn't my cancer, it was his. 

But in the five years we'd been living in limbo - him on borrowed time for all of those years and more, it had become ours. A secret my family didn't even know about. A pledge between his friends they weren't to speak of in my presence - due to my inability to "cope". A festering fear in my 25 year old being of everything my future did not hold, and not a soul I knew who I could to speak to - openly - about it.

We'd spent a morning earlier that week fighting over going to radiation therapy. 

He almost threw up on me in the hospital when the nurse tried to stick one of those paddle-pop stick things down this swollen throat, and I hated myself for bringing him there. He was almost too weak to argue, and had a watering can to throw up in on the ride there in the car, but I didn't know what else to do.

He'd lost twelve kilo's he couldn't afford to lose. His hair was falling out on the couch. He was so angry at having to go to hospital, but he was so close to the end of his treatment and had made me promise I wouldn't let him quit. I was afraid of him choking in his sleep at night. So was he. We were both defeated, tired, and scared. But finishing felt like something that gave us hope, even though it made things worse every day.

I sat in my own doctors appointment on a wintery morning, recounting the week that was, and tried to hold it together, but through my own hyperventilation, loneliness, and sorrow - I burst.

I was so scared. 

If the worst happened, I would lose the love in my life. The person who I knew myself with. I was facing this reality and had been grieving over it at night before falling asleep since the day he told me it was terminal, years ago.

I was exhausted from the fear of what could be. 

I thought if I "prepared myself" for it, it would be easier. 

But it turns out, you can't actually prepare yourself for things like this - you just put yourself into an emotional hell with worry, convinced it's being "realistic". 

I looked at Dr Tim, my uncle. 

"I don't know how to think. My mind is consumed with fear and sadness. I'm scared, I feel lonely. I can barely cope now, let alone if he doesn't live. I don't know what to do. I wish it was me. I want to die. It would be easier if it was me". 

The truth of it is, at the time I really did wish it was me. Not being able to do more than watch from the sidelines was hell. I wanted to take some of it away, share it around. I wanted to die, actually.

We weren't OK. I wasn't OK. The problem was bigger than cancer, but cancer seemed to be the reason for all our problems. 

And here I was, faced at 25 or so, with losing him. Losing everything.

Dr Tim looked at me very compassionately, and in his very soft and solid voice he said words I have never forgotten, because they changed me:

"Hayley, even if the chance of his survival was only 1%, that's what you have to focus on. That's all you can focus on. Forget the rest, and focus on that window".

Even if it was a 1% chance, that's all you need to focus on.

Focus on what you can do. 

Focus on what you can control. 

Focus on what's possible. 

Focus on what's true, right, real, within your power. 

Focus on what could go right. 

Focus on all the ways it could work. 

Focus on everything, and everyone, that would benefit. 

Focus on whatever window you have. 

And don't look away. 

There's alway a choice. 

It's not called "sticking your head in the sand" if you do stay in the energy of what feels good - and same goes, it's not "being realistic" if you focus on everything that could go wrong. 

It's called managing your f*cking mindset and focusing on what IS your business today, and only this. 

And it's essential under fire.

You will not find the solution to your problems by focusing on them. The solution does not lie there.

No time like the present, hey?

Stay Curious, Stay open. The life you crave is so much closer than you think.

LOVE

Hayley xx

P.S - This was a very hard to write. I had been mulling over it for over a week, which is unusual for me, and I had tears streaming down my face recounting that young woman going through all that, in that moment. I salute her! 

Of course, there was someone else going through this very hard experience at that time also, so this is my story. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for reading.

I hope the lesson helps you today.

What do you think? Please comment at the bottom.

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